Dear Son

Dear 16 year old Slaten,

 Hi son. This is your mother. You know? The woman who gave birth to you after 3 straight weeks of contractions? Yes, good you do remember. I just wanted to write you a little letter to remind you of a few things we've talked about in your short 16 years of life. Even though you think you know everything and I'm an idiot... it's not true.

 Please understand that when you bring your first girlfriend over I intend on showing her all of your naked baby bum pictures along with the ones of you holding your "babies". I will also tell her repeatably about how many times you told me that you wanted to marry me and that I was the only girl for you. You'll cringe, but I'm secretly hoping it will scare her away. I want to keep you unmarried until you are at least 35. Is that too much to ask? When you do start dating please pick a respectable girl to bring home to momma. If you bring a girl with piercings in her face and green streaks in her hair or her belly button showing to my house I will slam the door in her face. Just because she makes you feel special does not mean she loves you. So please be careful what you do and what situations you get yourself into because I do NOT want to be a grandma before I'm at least 45. Understand me son? Because I don't have a problem accompanying you on dates until you are 25.

  I don't ever want to hear a 4 letter word come out of your mouth. You are not too old for me to wash your mouth out with soap. And though you may be bigger than me, I am quite the feisty little lady and I will hold you down. Also if I ever hear the words "Oh My God" come out of your mouth you had better be praising your Lord because I will be more than happy to remove that TV from your room. Speaking of TVs.... MTV is the Devil's channel. Come to think of it.. let's just go ahead and get rid of that TV.... it'll give you too many ideas. Video games are not to be your life. Oh here's a hint for you. Girls HATE when their boyfriend's sit and play video games all the time. SO if you DO want a girlfriend just go ahead and throw those things out too.

  We know you want a Mustang for your birthday and your father and I have talked about it and we have decided the answer is no. Okay, enough with the buts. You won't die if you don't have one! We didn't say we wouldn't get you a car. We think you need your own car. SO here it is. We hope you enjoy it. No more than 1 passenger at a time. No texting and driving. Keep the radio down. Always wear your seat belt. And no girls in the backseat.

It's cool, yeah? Hey don't you roll your eyes at me! They'll stick that way! Yes, they will. I knew a girl, who knew a girl who had her eyes stay that way for the rest of her life!!! So come here and give your momma a kiss because that's something you will never be too old for.

 Love you always,

  Your Mother